


We're All Just Ghosts of Ourselves

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anxiety, Author completely disregards canon, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fasting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Keith doesn't sleep, Keith never leaves for the Blade, Lance is not doing well, Nightmares, POV Multiple, Pidge suffers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Restricting, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Triggers, binge/purge cycles, voltron family trying to help each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-05 17:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16371743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: When someone learns concerning secrets three of the paladins have been keeping and reveals them to the others, the way life is lived on the castle must change. This is, unsurprisingly, not well received by everyone.





	1. Demons

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha I told myself that if I were going to write it whatever I did had to be stuffed into one chapter but. It hit eight pages and I was like. this is a good cut off point. So there goes my original plans.   
> Also why update old stuff when you can churn out new works? Lol... sorry guys. I promise I have chapter updates for other things in the works.   
> Please read the warnings and proceed with caution because frankly this is going to have a very wide variety of triggering content. Also there is so much swearing guys... so much  
> Final note: Almost all asterisk separations signal a POV change or at the very least a passage in time.

A dinner party was sort of his worst nightmare. If offered a lengthy ballroom dance on hot coals barefoot with Edward Scissor-Hands as his partner, Lance would have gladly accepted. Just so long as it meant avoiding this situation. Who needed six hours to eat anyways? If it had been a grab-as-you-wish scenario with lots of mingling, Lance could have handled it. Just avoid the long table laden with food, no big deal. Lance was very adept at using his big personality and people skills to avoid suspicion. However, he was  _ sat _ at that long table laden with food. Forced to stare at his biggest temptation for six goddamn hours all while refusing food, avoiding suspicion  _ for six hours,  _ building a connection with this species they desperately needed in their coalition, and help keep Pidge present and calm. Lance felt like imploding. Had he mentioned he was stuck there for six hours?

At least his task was made easier by Pidge sitting right next to him. It hadn’t been too hard to convince Keith to switch spots with her. Everyone knew Lance and Pidge sat together at mealtimes, no questions asked. Lance’s presence was usually enough to help, but for six hours? With unlimited access to food? 

Lance was just kind of praying these people weren’t like the Capitol from the  _ Hunger Games.  _ If he was offered a vial to get rid of his discomfort, his failing… his  _ fat shame…  _ Even he couldn’t refuse. And he wouldn’t be exactly very helpful to Pidge. And just because Lance deserved this, doesn’t mean she did. She was young and pretty and smart. She had everything going for her. Lance was worthless and he knew it. He didn’t deserve happiness. He definitely didn’t deserve food. Pidge, on the other hand, did. So he would help her see that. Which meant no distractions.

He could see her hands tapping desperately on her thighs, trying to put off eating for as long as possible. Because once she started… Lance reached for her hand, giving her his most reassuring smile. 

They had come up with a game plan for this when she had come to him panicking after Shiro’s announcement. 

_ “Lance… I can’t do this. You have to get me out of this. Six hours… Fuck that, that’s so much time to ea-” _

_ He took her by the shoulders, encouraging her to meet his eyes. “Hey, you’ve got this. I’m going to be there the entire time. We’ll take it one bite at a time, okay? If you start fixating too much, just take my hand and we’ll talk about anything but food. There will be tons of people to talk to, so conversation will be super easy, okay? And if you get overwhelmed, squeeze my hand or something and we’ll make up an excuse when or if you’re ready to go back. And I won’t let you leave by yourself, okay? So if that helps you focus on not overeating, good.”  _

_ Pidge was able to calm down a little with his plan, but she was still working herself into a panic attack. Her hands were all fidgety, pulling at her clothes, eyes flitting between the floor, the walls- _

_ “Pidge. Try and focus on me, yeah? It’s going to be okay. Do you want me to walk you through a breathing exercise?” _

_ She nodded desperately, unable to speak a response with too fast, too much oxygen in her body. _

_ “Okay, exhale for me, good good. Now, breathe in for a count of five. Good, one, two, three, four-”  _

_ She slowly began to relax with his help. They didn’t really talk much after that, they just went looking for Hunk so she and him could keep working on their newest project. Pidge didn’t like asking for help and whenever she did, it was best to distract afterwards. And Lance did whatever she needed because… she reminded him so much of himself. Only… better. Undeserving. She was young. And brilliant. And if he could help free her in anyway from this misery, goddammit he would. And any of the other paladins would too, if they knew.  _

_ But he had promised not to tell, when he found her that first time. Maybe it was stupid on his part, after all, what could a fuckup like him really do? But he knew how desperately he would want it to stay a secret if Pidge ever found out about him. So. He did it. And he would keep doing it because she was improving. _

_ A lot of setbacks, but she was. Even slowly. She was his best friend. And he was proud of every extra day she went, more than last time. That’s what mattered. _

“One bite at a time,” he reminded her with an easy smile. Maybe not so easy. But it looked easy, like he wasn’t starving and didn’t desperately want food too, that one bite, just one bite, but he was bad. He didn’t deserve it. Hadn’t trained enough yesterday. Wasn’t there when Keith had needed him because he was too busy being self absorbed. He wouldn’t make that mistake with Pidge today. She needed him, so he wasn’t about to make this about him. 

She nodded, staring back at her plate. It sounds easier, knowing its alien food. Items they had never heard of and could never possibly know the caloric content of. It wasn’t that simple. And was another reason why Lance couldn’t eat. He had a 200 max limit set today and he’d rather fast than risk exceeding it. But Pidge, she shouldn’t have to worry about calories. 

Her plate consisted of very colorful foods that likely made her feel sick just on principle, in association with so many sugary foods so often puked back up. But they looked healthy enough. A pile of smoked, livid red roots, a soft, pastel blue thing that reminded Lance of those buttery rolls he used to consume by the package back when he was fat and gross and without any kind of self control… Something oozing a pink and green liquid from the top Hunk had claimed tasted like cheese when prompted. And the meat that looked all accounts to be some kind of fish. Except it was emitting an offsetting purple glow. 

Pidge prodded shakily at the roots, some sticking to her utensil. Lance gave her a quick nod and she took her first bite. Good job, Pidge!

Knowing she had at least started eating and was now likely moments from the fuck-it protocol of let’s just binge already, he started rambling about the first thing he could think of. Kaltenecker.

“So you know how Coran and Allura were all obsessed with tasting milkshakes for the first time but when they realized how cows produce the milk, they were all  _ ew no, weird humans?”  _ Lance started off his story, making sure he had at least Pidge’s attention, but also gaining that of those within earshot. Even some of the aliens were rapt despite having likely no understanding of what Lance was going on about.

Pidge nodded, taking another slow bite, attention captured effectively and a smile on her lips. This was a good sign. 

So Lance carried on, “So I had since made it my personal mission to convince them to try a milkshake because obviously those are delicious and they  _ needed  _ to try one. This was not as easy as you’d think it would be-”

“Because forcing someone to consume something they don’t want has always been so easy in the past,” Hunk interjected, voice light, amused, and teasing. Lance flinched. 

It was his own fault, having broken his rule of the conversation not being food oriented. But Pidge seemed calm and distracted so discomfort on his end was totally worth it. Even Keith was listening, more relaxed and interested than Lance had ever seen Keith in his life. Keith, even if he wasn’t totally bored which he usually was, had a habit of being intimidating and intense. 

It was nice for once to not be annoying or hurting anyone but himself.

“So I, of course, underwent a totally awesome ninja cover. Hunk was my second. His job was to make the delicious milkshakes obviously and taste test them to his own standards. He tried to rope me into this job, but Hunk obviously has the highest food standards so it needed to be him. Once we had acquired the best milkshake known to mankind, phase two of the mission began.” 

Hunk laughed, an apologetic smile on his face, directed at Allura who was sitting a few seats down and looked personally offended. “I would like to say that Lance had not told me Allura and Coran were  _ against  _ milkshakes at this point.”

Lance nodded to absolve his friend’s guilt before proceeding. “So, I found Coran first and was all, ‘Allura, my favorite Altean princess, Hunk has made this awesome drink but I don’t want to let him know I’m super allergic and hurt his feelings but I have to report back if it tastes good. Please help me.’ And she did and was obviously in love and was all, ‘what’s this supposed to taste like’ and I told her a milkshake and then ran before she could yell at me, but I was in such a rush I spilled it everywhere. So Coran, you were spared due to clumsiness.” 

Everyone cackled with amusement at the idea of Lance covered in milkshake, especially Coran, delighted at having been spared. 

Hilarious stories spread around the table, each one noticeable relaxing Pidge’s posture, her hand back on the table as she ate between her own input and hard, belly laughs. 

This worked for Lance too, because people were so focused on the storyteller that his job became quiet easy. Pretend to lift a bite and either get distracted enough that he paused mid-bite or lower it to laugh or speak up. Sometimes he didn’t spear his food well enough and it slipped off. Sometimes he let it fall off the table when no one was looking or down his sleeve, into his hand to pocket. He was very good at this. 

****

Finally. Finally the food was cleared off when the Amicuticus realized their guests physically could not eat another bite. (Allura was very helpful in explaining the difference in appetites.) The mindless chatter continued on for a few more hours, Lance finally relaxing when he was no longer constantly tempted to just give in and eat. Surely it couldn’t be too hard to fix it if Pidge did it all the time. But that would hurt Pidge so badly and he refused to do that. He couldn’t be weak. He didn’t need it or deserve it so he wouldn’t do it.

The best part was that Pidge had gotten through all of that. And she hadn’t needed to get up once. And Lance wasn’t super concerned about her trying to make a break for it either because she’d eaten a totally rational amount. She didn’t even look a little nauseated. 

The king and queen were telling one of their planets’ folklore tales, but Lance couldn’t focus.

He had done so well tonight, it was a good day, but his thoughts were acting up more than usual. Calling him worthless, and shaming him. Just because he had successfully avoided eating today didn’t mean he was out of the woods. He still hadn’t burned the calories he should have yesterday which meant he still needed to spend a few hours working out in the training room. God, he was itching to get out of here. He could feel himself spiralling out of control, reminders of his sick mind and the way that his stupid ass fancied people he would never be worthy of. Keith would never look at him like that, not to mention that Keith was a male and  _ Lance shouldn’t be looking at him like that.  _ Lance was depraved. It would be better if he didn’t exist at all. He was so damn tired. It wasn’t like he had gotten much sleep last night.

Last night when he had blood, perfect blood, soaking his skin and preventing him from checking in on Keith when he heard shouting. Shouting that must happen often enough to not alert anyone. Because absolutely no one checked on Keith. And what a terrible friend Lance was not checking in on Keith who was clearly suffering from a nightmare. And Lance should have helped but he was so damn selfish. 

A loud clamor brought Lance’s focus in Keith’s direction. One of the Amicuticus was sprawled out on his back, one of his legs hooked around the chair legs. Keith was helping them untangle their limbs while Pidge assisted him in standing. A few knick-knacks were scattered near Lance’s feet. He leant down gathering them up and held them out for the frazzled alien. Their fingers brushed momentarily, but the alien yanked his arm back, dropping an object that reminded Lance of a pocket watch. 

The alien was apologizing profusely but Lance didn’t like the look he was being given when he passed the watch to the guy. He definitely didn’t like the way contact was prolonged. It made his skin tingle. 

***

Hunk was heading back to the castle with his friends when Shiro grabbed him by the elbow. 

“Hold on. The King and Queen want to talk to us.” Shiro informed him.

Hunk made to stop the others but Shiro shook his head.

“Just the three of us.” Allura explained.

He didn’t understand but knew better than to ask questions. Shiro led them to a small room where the King and Queen were already waiting.

“Some concern has been raised about a few of your paladins and we thought it best to check in with you three and alert you.” The Queen started, looking rather distressed. It was making Hunk’s stomach ache with worry.

“Concerns?” Hunk voiced nervously, shooting a look to Shiro.

“Did the princess inform you that our species can… understand things about a person through contact?” The King inquired.

“No, your highness. It was too new of a development for us to be aware of.” Allura explained patiently.

A nod and an exchange of looks. 

“We just need to make sure the three of you are not in a similar situation first.”

“Of course.” Allura held out her hand and the Queen took it in hers for a moment. Shiro went next. And then Hunk.

His hand felt itchy, as though something had been unsettled under his skin. 

“Your paladins are going to need your help, patience, and time. The red one… he is haunted by a terrible past. The green one and blue one… please give them our apologies. If we had known, we would never have suggested putting them in this position. Their struggles are very similar but… our timemaker was particularly shaken up by the blue paladin. He seems to be particularly depressed.”

“I’m sorry, did you say that Lance was  _ depressed?”  _ Shiro sputtered.

Hunk felt his stomach drop and twist painfully on the ground in the vicinity of his feet. How often had he let Lance’s easy smiles wave away every single red flag? He should have followed his instincts? Why hadn’t he trusted what he saw beyond the obvious? Lance was hurting and didn’t trust Hunk enough to tell him?

“We have found no issues with forming an alliance with Voltron. This hasn’t changed our minds at all. We only wish to ascertain that your people are well taken care of.” The King elaborated gently. 

“Thank you so much. We will be sure to deal with this situation appropriately.” Shiro promised, collecting himself. 

Hunk wasn’t sure how he was managing. They just found out almost half of their team was suffering quietly and they hadn’t known. Shouldn’t it have affected Voltron? 

****

Lance didn’t like the way his friends were looking at him. It was the same look they’d been giving Pidge, Keith, and  him since they’d left the dinner party with the Amicuticus. 

Concern. 

Sure maybe Pidge needed it. The others could help her, even. Better than Lance could. Lance was too selfish to be any help to her. No matter how hard he tried or what he wanted desperately. He certainly wasn’t a good role model. Pidge wouldn’t see it how Lance did; she wouldn’t understand that Lance wasn’t like her. He didn’t need to get better because there wasn’t an actual problem with him. He was fat and weak. He was  _ helping  _ his body. Pidge, on the other hand, was hurting. Lance was  _ fine,  _ in control finally.

Keith, too, needed that concern if the nightmares were any indication. They could help Keith in a way Lance never did because Lance was a shitty friend, a bad person. Hunk, Shiro, and Allura would be the perfect help for Lance’s other two friends. They’d get what they needed and hopefully overtake whatever was causing the others to give Lance that same expression.

He did not need it. He didn’t need it because he was fine. A whiny, selfish bitch who was faking issues because he craved attention, maybe. But. No. Pidge and Keith needed real help. Lance refused to take that away from them just because he couldn’t keep a damn secret.

Had they noticed he wasn’t eating? God, they needn’t worry. He was a glut. His needy pig mouth would consume calories in no time again and he’d lose his damn progress. For the thousandth time. Because he was not sick. Exhibiting control for five seconds wouldn’t make him thin and if he wasn’t thin, he definitely wasn’t _underweight._ So he wasn’t sick. He was just fucking pathetic. 

Lance wouldn’t have their pity.

Wouldn’t let them waste their time and energy. 

Besides, if they thought Lance had a problem they wouldn’t let him help Pidge and Keith. 

And Lance had to help. It was the only thing that made him worthwhile, making people happy.

If Lance was too messed up to help his friends, make them smile, then he was hurting them.

He couldn’t be the one to hurt his friends.

He’d rather die.

****

Shiro and Hunk were having a private conversation. Pidge hated it. She hated not knowing what was going on. The atmosphere had drastically changed since they went ahead of the others. What had changed? 

All that food was cemented in her stomach. It hadn’t even been half of a normal binge but still… the higher her nerves spiked waiting for answers, the sicker she felt. 

She could do this. She didn’t need to throw up. She was strong and food was good. Her body needed roughly 2,150 calories a day just to  _ maintain  _ her weight. Getting sick wouldn’t help Matt, or her dad. But it could get everyone she cared about killed. 

She could do this. 

Hunk was leaving the room and Pidge was itching to follow him. He was going to bake and as much as she hated to be present for that (it made her feel weak, out of control) he was easiest to probe when he was making food. If she wanted answers, that was her best bet.

Yet, she didn’t think Shiro was going to let her leave. He looked pretty serious about her sitting.

Had she done something? Lance and Keith were always in trouble for arguing but… she’d never seen Shiro look at her like that.

Like she was dying.

Pidge hated it, actually.

“It has been brought to my attention th-” Allura began, sounding as formal as she usually did, but she cut off when Shiro rested his Galra hand on her shoulder. 

“Princess, do you mind?” Shiro said softly.

She waved her hand, stepping back. 

“Guys, first of all, you’re not in any trouble.” Shiro began. He looked nervous and Pidge didn’t feel remotely at ease. “We do, however, have reason to believe that the three of you… may be having a particularly difficult time. I don’t know how long this has been going on but I want to offer my apologies for not noticing sooner.” 

Her nausea only doubled. She was going to puke on principle at this point. He knew. Everyone knew and she didn’t know how but… Wait. She wasn’t being singled out though. This was more than just a bad relationship with food. Did Shiro know what even Lance didn’t? And how was Keith involved? Did he say  _ the three of them? _

“The Amicuticus weren’t specific however, so it would be really helpful if you could… well, help us help you. I understand this isn’t easy, whatever you’re going through. But we’re all here to support you guys.” Shiro continued.

“What do the Amicuticus have to do with this?” Keith demanded.

Lance was looking a little ashen, now that Pidge was looking at them. Keith just looked ready to break something.

“Apparently, they can come to really understand a person through skin to skin contact.” Allura piped up.

The alien falling and she had helped him up she literally  _ fucked herself fuck fuck- _

“So you’re telling me a little brush of the hand and they’re claiming to know all my secrets? And you believe them because?” Lance snapped.

What was wrong with Lance? Was he panicking? 

She had been trying to ignore it. Thinking she had to be wrong, didn’t want to be right. She should have known those jokes were concerning, concealing pain just like hers but she  _ ignored it _

“I’m sure this is hard to take in. I understand that people suddenly prying into personal issues can be uncomfortable. But we can’t let you guys shoulder this alone. We’re here for you. So… if you can, please tell us what’s going on.”

Lance shot Pidge a look. She knew what he wanted. And she wanted to just tell them too. It… would make life easier. They could help and she could stop putting everything on Lance. Especially if he was really hurting like Shiro said. But on the other hand… the thought of them knowing

_ They’ll stop me _

Pidge was trying to stop though, trying to recover so… 

“I’m bulimic.” Pidge managed by some force of nature to spit out. Those two words felt weird to say. Sure, she threw up sometimes and binged and those were symptoms but… Bulimia looked like something else, something foreign. Not something that too much anxiety would wreak on her. Lance looked really proud though and that helped. It helped a lot. And Shiro, although visibly surprised, wasn’t rushing forward to coddle her. This was doable. One step at a time.

The next part would be harder because Lance didn’t know. Nobody had ever known she did this even though she joked constantly about it. 

“And… I… scratch. Sometimes. When my anxiety acts up.” 

Silence for a long while. She wasn’t sure to expect. Was Shiro waiting for the others to voice their issues, giving them time to work up the courage? Or was he just at a loss for words?

Lance looked a little betrayed, and she could almost see him torturing himself for not knowing. 

Pidge hadn’t wanted him to know. Somehow, although considerably more disgusting, the scratching felt more shameful. Purging was almost instinctive. She already felt sick, felt in pain. But scratching… her nails tearing at her skin until it was raw and beading blood. Scratching took more. It was insistent. Felt more intentional. It was desperate and frightening and- And It was easier.

Keith spoke up next, shocking her. Keith  _ never  _ opened up. Not even when backed into a corner. She had actually been expecting him to insult Shiro and storm off. His eyes were lowered though and voice quiet but still very audible. “I have nightmares.”

Just the way he said it gave Pidge chills. She didn’t know much about him, but she couldn’t imagine a nightmare he had was something to mock. Especially not if it was concerning enough to bring to their leaders’ attention. 

Several ticks passed but Lance didn’t speak up. The longer time passed, the more she suspicioned he wasn’t going to. She hadn’t expected this kind of resistance from him. 

Lance was always so open and emotional. The person across from her didn’t look like Lance.

“Lance, they said it might be something similar to Pi-” Allura prompted gently. 

Lance never turned on the princess. He reserved smug, charming tones for her. Soft and suggestive. However, he looked about ready to take her down just for suggesting he share anything. 

“I’m  _ fine.  _ I don’t know what that guy thought he felt but there’s nothing wrong. So back off.” Lance’s voice was shaking and full of fire. He definitely did not sound fine.

“They were actually particularly worried about you, Lance.” Shiro argued. His gentleness was the wrong approach.

“I SAID I’M FINE, OKAY? There’s nothing to worry about! I’m taking  _ care  _ of myself. I don’t need help, so just. Stop giving me that look and maybe focus on the people who actually need it.” Lance was on his feet, storming away. He was fast and angry but Pidge immediately noticed a falter in his step. He had stood too fast, swaying unbalanced. 

Allura was grabbing trying to keep him from running and Lance was collapsing. And everything felt like it was blurring together. Lance didn’t get back up.


	2. Denial and Ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance doesn't like being pressured and his attempt at pushing the others away makes things worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More POV changes. In order is Hunk, Lance, Shiro, Allura, and Pidge. Next chapter should have some more from Keith and Coran should play a bigger role here soon I just need to find out how to work him in.  
> I hope my characterizations are okay. Lance is the only one I really know how to do so feedback would be amazing on how I can improve the others!  
> Trigger warnings for seriously negative thinking, cruel words that might be hard to read (thanks Lance and Keith), and almost cutting. Proceed with caution, friends.

Hunk was pretty torn between a whole lot right now. 

He would desperately like to be in the kitchen again stress baking like his life depended on it (it was so soothing and maybe at some point it would help this situation. Especially if his suspicions about Lance were true) but the last time he left when Shiro told him too, his best friend in the entire universe collapsed so Hunk wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Pidge said that Lance had been out for approximately one minute by the time Hunk had made it to the room. It was a large castle but nothing could drown out the sound of the princess’ desperate tones. The walls were thin as a plastic bag too, so that just made it easier. 

He had heard Lance’s name and decided Shiro would just have to deal with him there because if Lance was in trouble, Hunk was going to help him if it killed him.

It had been around three minutes now and Lance’s was starting to stir in Keith’s lap (something about needing to keep the feet elevated for proper blood flow or something? Hunk was better with machines and recipes than human anatomy and health.) 

“Hunk start asking him questions. Anything he should know the answer to. I’m worried about concussions. Nobody caught him and I think he hit his head pretty hard,” Shiro prompted.

Lance didn’t look awake enough to answer, but Hunk followed the instructions. Any kind of head injury was dangerous. Concussions were always seen so minor but Hunk had seen first hand at the Garrison how they could be an iceberg in injuries. Deceptively innocent.

“Hey buddy, can you tell me your name?” Hunk started, taking Lance’s hand into his.

Lance just groaned faintly. Did that mean he was hearing him?

“Do you know where we are? How old are you?” Hunk continued.

“No…” Lance breathed, it was just almost silent and Hunk barely caught it.

“Come on, now. Just tell me what your name is. What’s your name?” 

“Nnn… n’ine.” Lance slurred, eyelashes fluttering.

Hunk looked up at Shiro concerned, especially when Lance stopped moving and answering altogether.

Shiro knelt down next to him, hand on Hunk’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. He’s still waking up. You pass out when your body needs a recharge. Just give him time, we can’t rush it.”

“Shouldn’t we put him in a cryopod?” Allura piped up from around Keith’s direction.

“No, this could be any number of issues. It’s best to let his body work through it naturally. If there’s still an direct problem concerning his health when he wakes up that we can’t fix on our own than absolutely.”

When Lance started stirring again ticks later, Hunk picked up questioning. 

“What’s your name?” 

“No..” at least his response was a little faster and definitely louder. Pidge was chuckling a little and Keith snorted. Hunk wasn’t sure if it was humor at the response or panic on their part. 

“Oh, come on, buddy. You know this one. What’s your name?” 

Lance’s eyes were open and his jaw was working. Hunk wasn’t sure if Lance was seeing any of them though. He definitely looked pretty dazed.

“Hunk… fine.” Lance sighed, hand twitching off the ground as he closed his eyes again.

“No, that’s my name. What’s  _ yours?”  _ Hunk prompted again with his own little laugh.

“Stop, I’m fine.” Lance was trying to sit up, but Pidge lunged forward, pushing him back down. Hunk forgot sometimes how deceptively strong she was. She was holding Lance down no problem.

“Lemme up, gremlin.” Lance whined. 

“Tell him your name first.” Pidge insisted.

Lance rolled his eyes, looking up at Hunk. “My name is Lance McClain, I’m almost eighteen, I’m from Cuba, I’m on the castleship… I pilot the blue lion. And I’m perfectly fine so calm down and let me sit up.” 

Shiro nodded at Pidge to do so and she backed off slowly. Lance, on the other hand, surged upright and Hunk had to hold him steady so he wouldn’t flop back down and risk hitting his head. Again.

“Ow… okay. Too fast.” Lance huffed, cradling his head in his hands. “Make the room stop spinning, Hunk.”

Once Lance was calmed down, Shiro took over. “So, do you know what happened, Lance?” 

Lance was actually borderline glaring. It was all very unsettling. What had happened when Hunk left the room? 

“I passed out, obviously. You can stop looking at me like I’m going to do it again if you look away too soon, by the way. I told you earlier, I’m  _ fine.  _ I just stood up too fast and got dizzy. Allura threw off my balance, but it’s good. I’m good. So can we like.. Go now?”

Pidge snorted, interrupting the lecture very clearly about to fall off Shiro’s tongue. “Yeah, that’s bullshit. I stand up too soon all the damn time and  _ never faint.  _ So knock it off and tell us what’s up already.” 

Lance’s face screwed up like he did when he was caught in a lie and was trying to think up a new one to keep him out of trouble. Hunk saw it constantly at the Garrison when Lance would rope him into a new scheme. Normally, Hunk was semi decent at babbling awkwardly into something Lance could turn into his benefit. Hunk didn’t feel like doing that this time.

He’d been excusing this for way too long. Pretending to not be hurt when Lance wouldn’t eat an experiment in front of him. Claiming things tasted one way when Hunk  _ knew  _ they shouldn’t and Lance wasn’t gaining muscle mass with all this training like the rest of them. Waving away Lance’s sudden distance because Lance just seemed happier so maybe cuddles weren’t necessary anymore? It probably wasn’t concerning that Lance flinched anytime someone reached for his arm. 

Except it was. 

And, to top it all off, Hunk had been too busy trying not to be concerned with Lance’s constantly worsening condition to notice how others were hurting too. And he was supposed to be sensitive to emotional stuff like this. 

There was a flash of guilt right before Lance’s expression turned dark and he was snapping viciously at Pidge. Hunk could tell that Lance hated himself for yelling at her, could see how the loathing in his voice didn’t match the guilt still dwelling in his eyes. 

“Maybe the alien got it right with you and Keith but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are fucked up, too, Pidge. I’m not fucking killing myself. Stop reading into everything and leave me the fuck alone.” 

That had crossed a line. Hunk didn’t need to be in the room, didn’t need to know everything to know that it had. Everything was spiralling badly very quickly. Shiro was admonishing Lance harshly and Lance was just shrinking on himself like he could curl up tight enough and fade out of existence. Pidge would have slapped Lance if Hunk hadn’t grabbed her hand in time. And then Keith was standing to say that Hunk shouldn’t have stopped her because Lance deserved it, Hunk didn’t know and Allura was interjecting every other statement from Shiro about how Lance should know better than to act out like that.

“Guys! Knock it off!” Hunk said, watching how the louder it got the more Lance looked ready to bolt and it clicked into place.

They didn’t listen. He wasn’t sure they even heard him so he yelled louder. 

Well, he had their attention now. 

“Lance,” Hunk started, but the moment Shiro wasn’t looking at him Lance was darting out of the room. The only thing that must have been stopping him before was Keith’s hands around his ankles and Shiro’s stern gaze.

****

The irony of this whole goddamn situation was almost funny. He’d gotten what he wanted, right? Surely they hated him now. They couldn’t be concerned if they hated him. 

He deserved their anger. Lashing out at Pidge like that… Lance wanted to cut out his own tongue. 

His hands shook as he played with the warm metal in his hands. Even though he wanted to feel the punishing sting so badly, penance for every cruel word… Lance should be hurting not Pidge… it always took him so long to actually press the edge down and drag that first time. He was shaking so hard he ended up dropping the blade. 

Fuck. Fuck this. 

Tears were welling up into a panicked sob in his chest. The one thing he wasn’t allowed to do, wasn’t allowed to hurt any of them  _ ever,  _ and he had gone and stuck out at the person who trusted him the most. He had taken a shot at a vulnerability his  _ little sister _ had fucking let him help with so many times.

Their anger was warranted. He hoped they hated him forever. Left him to rot in this little room alone. Picked up the pieces he had taken a bat to and bandaged up his hurting friends. 

Lance’s fingers were digging tightly into his skin and it was relieving. The pain felt so good, he could understand how Pidge sought this so often. He still couldn’t believe he had missed it. 

He was too busy trying to hide his own scars to see hers. Fuck. Lance was the worst fucking friend ever. It was for the best that Pidge never spoke to him again. Or Keith. 

Lance wanted to throw himself out of the fucking airlock. Maybe he had pissed someone off enough they’d do it for him.  Then nobody would pretend he was perfect and something to be mourned like anyone who killed themselves on earth got. 

Never mattered how much the person tried for help or how selfish and terrible the person had been before they died. It was always society’s fault. The person dead became a perfect angel and everyone hated themselves for letting them die. They never saw how the person did them a favor. Lance didn’t want to become that. If he was going to die, they all better see how they were better off without him.

Lance wouldn’t let them torture themselves over something he wanted so badly. 

Lance managed to tear his fingers away from the trenches he was trying to dig into his skin. If Pidge knew he was scratching it’d be another thing to hurt her. And Lance wasn’t hurting her ever again.

Besides, cutting was always so satisfying and long lasting. Thin, neat little scars he could run his fingers over whenever he needed to when he fucked up again that were so easy to hide from everyone. 

The blade was sinking into his forearm wrist twisting to pull it and feel the sting when he heard the slide of his door and it fell from his hold as panic seized his chest again with a tighter embrace around his lungs.

**** 

Lance couldn’t move fast enough. Shiro had already seen the damage. For several moments his feet stayed cemented to the ground, brain trying to compute the image in front of him. 

Lance had already pulled his shirt back over his head and was staring back at him looking stricken and frightened. Shiro was severely regretting convincing the others to let him approach Lance on his own. 

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. If cornering him made him lash out so violently, it was probably best that someone approach him one-on-one. Confessing to struggling was clearly something Lance didn’t find easy. And if Shiro’s suspicions were correct, especially in front of Pidge or Keith. 

Body language wasn’t something Shiro excelled in but Lance oozed guilt around the two. Probably Lance blamed himself for what they were going through. Just like Shiro did at having missed all the signs. 

It was still hard trying to reconcile the image in front of him with the sunshine-smiles and exuberant energy Lance always was. How could Lance be hurting so obviously and keep up such an exhausting facade? 

Shiro didn’t even need to ask anymore because he could see it all in the painful dips between every rib, Lance’s frighteningly concave stomach, the angry red lines across his left arm. How could a shirt hide all that? Surely even Lance’s jacket couldn’t keep up a healthy ruse when the boy was almost nonexistent. No wonder he fainted. 

Particularly depressed didn’t cover it. Shiro didn’t even know where to start in helping him.

By the time Shiro’s brain rebooted, so it seemed had Lance’s. 

“Get out of my fucking room.” Lance’s voice lacked the volume from earlier, it was just cold rage now. It was actually terrifying hearing Lance angry.

But Shiro wasn’t going to duck out. Leaving Lance alone wasn’t an option. Frankly he didn’t even feel comfortable with just Hunk and Allura keeping an eye on Pidge and Keith. He wanted them altogether. They were a family and they stuck together. Everyone had been there for Shiro when he was dealing with imprisonment flashbacks, for Hunk when anxiety kept him locked elbows deep in his fifteenth bowl of batter and obviously needed someone to talk to and a long nap, for Pidge when she was working up to telling them all she was a girl, and for Keith when he discovered he was part Galra. 

Just because it was three sevenths of the team now didn’t mean it was time to divide and conquer. This was such a bad idea. Shiro definitely couldn’t do this alone. But he also wasn’t about to listen to Lance trying to shut him out, again.

Shiro stepped forward, letting the door close behind him. “I’m not angry with you.” 

Lance was shaking like a leaf the more Shiro came forward, like Shiro was going to strike him for hurting himself. That’d be pretty much the opposite of helpful. At Shiro’s statement, Lance actually met his eyes with something other than anger. He just looked exhausted and confused. 

“What?”

“I’m not mad.”

“You should be.” Lance bit out, shoulders trembling like getting angry was only growing harder every time.

“Stop pushing everyone out, Lance. I know I shouldn’t have tried to push you so hard back there in front of everyone and I’m sorry. I know you also feel terrible for lashing out at us like that, so obviously I’m not mad. Especially since you’re clearly punishing yourself more than I ever could.” Shiro knelt down, picked up the fallen razor blade, and pocketed it. He was praying there wasn’t more but now wasn’t the time to rade Lance’s room for sharps.

Lance was staring at him owlishly, and then his mouth twisted into a hard frown. “You’re feeling sorry for me. I don’t need your fucking sympathy, Shiro. I’m not dying so you can take that somewhere else. I told you earlier that I’m taking care of myself just fine. But Keith and Pidge aren’t and… I.. I can’t, I can’t help them too. So. I need you guys to do that.”

“What makes you think we can’t help you on top of them?” Shiro pushed. He didn’t want to push, because every press only seemed to make Lance withdraw more. He just… needed Lance to see that he didn’t need to carry everything on his own.

“I don’t need it.” Lance shook his head.

“So Pidge hurts herself and Keith struggles quietly and they both need help, but you don’t because…?” 

Lance huffed, getting in Shiro’s face as if proximity would make the answer clearer.  _ “Because  _ I’m fat and worthless and they  _ aren’t.  _ Pidge actually has a real problem, her cycles are consistent even though she’s getting better and Keith has nightmares all the  _ time  _ and it clearly hurts him because he’s up all the time like he’s trying to avoid sleep. Those are real issues.” 

Shiro wanted badly to cut him off and start spouting off all the reasons this logic was already so faulty but Lance was finally opening up and he wasn’t done.

“I can’t stick to my stupid diet.  _ You  _ saw how fat I am. I can never fucking stop eating. Even at that damn dinner all I wanted was just one bite and I just know I’m going to cave again soon because I’m fucking trash at fasting. And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to restrict here because there’s no caloric content posted anywhere and so I just have to assume the worst and I can feel every ounce of fat on my body and nothing I do makes it better because I can’t, I can’t, can’t manage to just… stick to something. I feel bad for five seconds and give in, I always give in so I’m not sick like the others, okay? So you’re wasting your fucking time with me. I don’t know why you even came in and started pretending like there’s a problem when you can clearly see that there  _ isn’t.  _ Like not even the cutting which… I mean is probably why you’re here, is ever an issue because I can never bring myself to do it properly. Like you saw how fucking shallow and nonexistent the scars were. They never  _ stay,  _ so can’t you understand that I don’t… have a problem? Are you happy that you get to hear how path-pathetic I am, Shiro? Getting all worked up over my stupid shit when Pidge and Keith have actual issues. So please… Just get it into your head already and tell the others I’m sorry for hurting Pidge, but I’m fine and they can just focus on helping them.” Lance was full on sobbing, heaving breaths between phrases and clenching and unclenching his fists because Shiro kept moving them away from his arms. 

Lance wasn’t just trying to keep them out, scared of letting them see him hurting. He genuinely didn’t think he had a problem. Shiro couldn’t even begin to understand how Lance could see any of that he just spouted off. Clearly Lance believed every word as his whole body was wracked with sobs. It was mind boggling. 

Shiro waited until Lance was calm enough to be able to hear anything before he started, hesitantly running a soothing hand down Lance’s back (trying not to shudder from how prominent the boy’s spine was). Lance didn’t push him away, instead melting into his arms and bawling against his shoulder even as he mumbled for Shiro to just leave him already.

“Okay. Okay, Lance. Can you listen to me for a minute?” Shiro asked quietly trying to keep the trembling out of his voice and any of the aching sympathy boiling in his stomach. Lance would only pull away again if he was sympathetic. Lance needed reason, not emotion. Lance nodded feebly and drew away to look at Shiro as he desperately tried to dry the tears on his face. 

“Alright. It seems like you compare yourself to the others quite a lot, don’t you?” 

Another nod. 

This was going to take Keith and Pidge saying a whole lot of the same to Lance for any hope of him believing it, but hopefully Shiro could make a start.

“And you’d rather the rest of us focus on Keith and Pidge because you don’t feel like you deserve help, yes?” 

“I  _ don’t.”  _ Lance spit out. 

Shiro wasn’t sure which way to start. Half of him was reminded of how everyone thought sharing similar experiences helped, but Lance was already buried so deep under how he thought every issue was more important than him that felt like the wrong road to take. Even if it could help in the end. If Lance couldn’t listen to the first half without sinking further into this feeling of unimportance, than end goals meant nothing. 

Maybe he could let Lance know that he was helpful? Self worth was definitely an issue. And maybe even something that Lance would believe. Shiro knew Lance looked up to him. If anyone could convince Lance that he was doing a good job at something, it was him, right?

“You know, you also said something about how you’re incapable of helping… but you were always one of the most helpful people in the past when one of us struggling. No one else could help Hunk with panic attacks and you always knew when I had a flashback. I should have told you sooner, but you were always particularly good at calming me down after one. And if you say Pidge is improving, I have to believe it’s because your helping her, not in spite of it. Your crazy empathetic and you are always impressing me with knowing when to drop the bullshit and be serious.” 

And Lance actually looked like he maybe believed him, at least a little. He could see doubt in the way his hands stayed clenched though, probably something convincing him Shiro was saying it out of pity. 

“I mean that, Lance.” Shiro insisted. He wasn’t going to pretend like this had fixed the issue even though he really wanted to believe the smile Lance was giving him. Shiro wasn’t going to be blinded by smiles anymore. It didn’t have to mean every smile was fake but people could be hurting and genuinely happy at the same time.

Now he just needed to convince Lance to talk to the others. That was the next step.

****

Hunk and Pidge wouldn’t sit still and as much as Allura would prefer they stay together, their nervous energy was driving her up a wall. Besides, Lance and Shiro had already left so they could come together and try talking it over again tomorrow when everyone was a little more rested. Less on edge and emotionally drained. 

So when Hunk asked if he could leave to finish baking, she didn’t argue about it. Even more relieved that Pidge went with him. It’d be nice like this. Shiro could get through Lance, Hunk could help Pidge and Allura could try to understand what the quiznack just went down. Hopefully helping Keith a little along the way.

She and Keith never really talked much anyways. This would be nice. Maybe she could repair the damage done in what little a relationship they had when she isolated him for being Galra. It wasn’t like it was his fault who his parents were. That had been wrong of her and she felt bad, she just never knew how to approach the situation. 

Keith was visibly uncomfortable but he wasn’t leaving so that was a good sign. Probably.

“Keith, do you mind if I ask you some questions?” She started off, trying to stay diplomatic and not scare him away. Keith didn’t spook easily but he never seemed ready to open up. However, he was full of surprises today.

He looked at her warily but shrugged, “Go ahead.”

“Right. So on Altea we don’t… I guess I don’t really understand what everyone is struggling with. I mean, your nightmares seem pretty straightforward but… Pidge and Lance? The Amicuticus said he was depressed? And I don’t know what… bulimic?” Keith nodded at her pause to ascertain she got the word correct, “Means or why she scratches? Could you try to explain?”

Keith sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, depression is pretty simple too, for the most part. Not so much in actual feeling, but in understanding. Uh, essentially there’s sadness, right? Depression is kind of like a really persistent sadness. Just feeling negative emotions a whole lot, sometimes a person feels more numb than sad? Or angry. It can look different for different people. And oftentimes you can’t immediately tell just by looking. People don’t want others to know they’re feeling like that. But they’re tired more often, and tend to lose interest in things they cared about? And it’s not totally treatable. We still don’t really know enough about it. People can talk to professionals and be on all the right medicine, eat the right foods, and still struggle with it their whole lives.” 

“That doesn’t really sound like Lance, though.” Allura frowned.

“Yeah, but like I said. People with depression often have a hard time with letting people see that it’s something they’re going through. I… I had a hard time telling Shiro. Took me years.”

Allura raised an eyebrow but didn’t question him about it. Not yet. “And Pidge?”

“The bulimia thing… I don’t really know a lot about it actually. She’s probably the best person to really ask about it. But basically, it’s an eating disorder. Eating disorders are really confusing to me, I don’t really get why people struggle so much with food? Frankly, it seems kind of wasteful. But I’m not in their head so. I don’t pretend I understand. Anyways, so eating disorders tend to be a compulsion, I think, about weight? Needing to look a certain way, I guess. There’s… three most common types. Pidge’s, bulimia, is when people eat a whole lot of food until they get sick and then… uh, make themselves purge it. With extreme exercise or vomiting or… other things.”

“Oh. That was an issue on Altea, too. Except the weight thing was really a focus for a bigger issue. Like needing control where the person felt they had none. It was one of the leading causes of death… before the war.” That was painful to think about. She had always hated the thought of people, her people hurting like that. In ways no one really knew how to help.

“Yeah. That sounds about right.” Keith was nodding. “As for the scratching… self harm is kind of a compulsion. Actually eating disorders are a form of self harm. Anyways, it’s a pretty common factor in mental disorders. I think Pidge might be a little OCD or have some form of anxiety? But I’m no professional. I’ve never really understood people, I just know what I went through. So, yeah. Just think of the scratching kind of like the bulimia.”

Her paladins were hurting too and she didn’t know how to help. She just prayed that something could be done before it got worse. She couldn’t bear to lose them too. Not just because they were soldiers, needed to defend the universe. They were her friends, the only family she had besides Coran now.

“Keith, would you like to talk about those nightmares?” Allura was prying and she didn’t expect it to work.

Just as expected, Keith shot her a Look. “We should check on Hunk and Pidge.”

At least he was acting like the person she knew. 

 

****

“I can’t believe him.” Pidge said for probably the hundredth time. She was probably annoying Hunk but this was the best room in the castle to be and someone was listening to her rant so it would be fine. He didn’t seem to mind anyways. 

“I’m not even mad anymore about what he said! I just… it’s been months of him helping me and I was so stressed about how he’d react to the other thing and he just  _ neglected _ to tell me he was hurting too! I want to punch him in the face for pushing us away like that.” Pidge sulked as she crammed another blue cookie into her mouth. “Oh, that taste like lemons.”

Hunk frowned at the batch in front of him. “Darn. I was going for peanut butter.”

Pidge smiled appreciatively at him. “Let me try the next batch. I’m sure you’ll get it. Plus I love peanut butter.”

“I know you do. Here, what about this one? I changed one ingredient. I think it might be similar to cinnamon?”

While Pidge mulled over the taste, Hunk moved back to what she said.

“I get that you’re angry, and that’s totally valid. But I doubt hitting him will help.” Hunk shrugged. “If it helps, I don’t think he told anyone.”

“It doesn’t! I would prefer he told  _ someone!  _ I hate that I was over here getting better and he was fucking deteriorating. Do you really think it’s anorexia?” Pidge asked.

“Yeah. I mean. When was the last time you’ve seen him eat?” Hunk pointed out.

Pidge sighed, grabbing another cookie. “It’s more nutmeg than cinnamon. And I mean, the worst part is that there were signs. I just kept thinking he’d tell me if it was a problem, but I guess that was stupid. Because it’s not like I told him either, he just sort of found out… I wish we were all robots because this stupid emotion stuff really sucks.” 

Pidge was consuming yet another cookie, she’d lost track of how many that was now, and asking for something to drink while reaching for another, when Keith came into the kitchen with Allura tailing him closely. 

This whole no privacy thing was going to get annoying fast.

“Hey, hold on, how many is that, Hunk?” Allura was asking. Pidge could just imagine her keen blue eyes scanning the countertop, counting how many cookies Hunk had made to try to figure out how many Pidge had consumed. 

Hunk didn’t make the connection, bless him. Nobody had told him yet and he wasn’t prying so Pidge wasn’t offering up any information. It had been nice to have five minutes of eating and nobody assuming they knew what was going on.

“Uh, I don’t know… like my third batch maybe?” Hunk responded, staring at his cookies dumbfounded. 

Before Allura could correct him (Pidge didn’t even want to think about who had explained bulimia to her because whoever was clearly pretty tactless about it if Allura was going to be all judgy like that), Pidge hunched in her seat, and swallowing her bite, “I’m not doing that so calm down.” 

Except she was already starting feel sick and this was looking a whole lot like that’s exactly where this was going. It was always extreme negative emotions that triggered it because she didn’t know how to be a goddamn human being and handle them appropriately. When she was bored or angry or sad food and equations were her go to, almost always hand in hand. The worse it was the more she ate and the less she understood.

Allura didn’t need to know that. 

But as Pidge went to consume the rest of her cookie in one bite, Keith’s hand was on her arm. “Well, at least slow down.” 

Pidge sent him a warning glance, “Hey, I’m not trying to assume I understand your nightmares so maybe don’t try to make assumptions my eating habits, yeah?” 

She could tell Hunk was picking up on the hints being dropped so she bit the bullet and let him know with a roll of her eyes, “Yeah, I’m bulimic. But I’m  _ not  _ binging right now, okay? I rarely do that in front of people so maybe chill.”

The room was quiet and she hated it. Yeah bad stuff was happening for a lot of them and it sucked but she didn’t want to dwell on it more than necessary. This was too many heart to hearts at once and it made her itch for more cookies. 

Keith, however, seemed to understand her irritation. His sudden understanding of how social interactions went was surprising but she wasn’t about to question it when he was doing her a favor. 

“So what kind of cookies do you have there, Hunk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this ended up being longer than last chapter and I don't even know how that's possible?? Oh well. Hope it's reading coherently. I churned it's entirety out this afternoon and it underwent very little editing. So.  
> Also if anyone seems particularly awkward at being emotionally helpful it's because my expertise is in listening not in advice and like... genuinely doing good in helping people get better? Because I'm eighteen and not a mental health professionally. And neither are any of them so obviously it's going to be difficult and not everything they do will actually help? Which means this probably won't be super long because I don't want it to be taken as a self-help guide or a guide for others to try to "fix" their friends. It's one thing to encourage conversation and want to help but remember you're a human being and no one can do this alone. One well worded conversation won't fix everything and neither will five well worded conversations. Love won't magically fix it either. It takes time, and patience, and a whole lot of support from multiple people. Professionals especially. Which are severely lacking here. Encourage your friends to talk to professionals. Please don't try to be their therapist. thanks for coming to my tedtalk.  
> Comments are super appreciated. They mean way more to me than kudos.  
> I really hope everyone is doing okay. Take care friends and I hope you have a nice day.

**Author's Note:**

> Lance is a good big brother. I'll fight anyone on this matter.   
> I also really want to state right now I'm not trying to insinuate that one person is struggling more than the other. Every single issue is valid and equally important. Just because you think you matter less doesn't mean you do. You can't compare two situations to each other. Each one of them is in a totally different place.   
> Also I told myself I would edit this but I got like two paragraphs in and decided I was too tired so. Sorry if it sucks.  
> Comments really mean a lot to me so I'd appreciate any feedback you're willing to give.  
> Hope you have a great day folks.


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